Happy Mother's Day

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, or even if I can even wrangle my thoughts enough to figure out how to say it, but bear with me, and I'll do my best. I knew I had to write something when I was volunteering at the temple for my shift on Wednesday.

I used to coordinate the volunteers, and was released from that position in January, but thankfully the friendship and love of the ladies I was in charge of is still in tact. I ran into two of them, both currently single, and both older than myself (their kids are about my age, slightly younger, so I see them as a mother-figure in my life). Well, I hugged them both, said goodbye, and turned to walk away, and I heard them talking to someone else, and she wished them both a Happy Mother's Day, and tears started to well up in my eyes.

This Mother's Day was supposed to be our big reveal on various social media, that we were expecting this November. And now, it's just not. It doesn't mean I'm not a mother though. Miscarriage is not easy. It's emotional, a struggle, and just not something I would wish on anyone. However, in the past month or so, since I was told there was no fetal heartbeat, I've shared my experiences with basically the whole world. A few people at work, and even a few sales reps who recently came into the office, that I just adore and don't get to see very often. The more I share it, the more others have shared their stories with me. Some of them very heart-wrenching too. One of the sales reps and his wife had a 50% miscarriage rate. Two healthy children though. So I know there is hope.

Contrary to my husband's pic of me for my birthday celebrations in 2014, though, I was not 28 then... or now! My age has definitely weighed very heavily on my mind this past month. And May 3rd marked a half way point, and I'm now on the down-slope towards 38... I know people are having children in their 50's, but I never really wanted to be one of them. A co-worker is pregnant at 43 with her 3rd child... And another friend is pregnant with twins, and she's in her early 40's too. Life is crazy, and I really don't know what will happen next... But I know that with the love and strength of those around me, I've been lifted up and strengthened by them too.

A thought was shared with me recently, and I don't remember who even shared it with me, but it was about how 1/3rd of the hosts of Heaven chose not to come to earth, not to gain a body, not to go through the trials, struggles, pain, sadness, or any of the happiness, joy, and beauty this earth life holds for us. They weren't strong enough to handle it, so they made their choice. That strengthened me too. I picked this, knowing I would feel all the pain, sorrow, and even a bit of the depression I've found myself in lately. But some of my strongest beliefs are based on the idea that our joy and sorrow is on a spectrum, an the deeper we feel those losses, sorrows, and sadness, the more we're able to feel joy and happiness on the opposite side of the spectrum. It's a proverbial rubber band, that never breaks. It only gets bigger and stronger. So, while I may be experiencing the worst sadness I've ever felt, I have faith in the fact that it will not always be this way. I know that it will get better. I have faith in that.

So, I guess the reason I'm writing this, is to share that experience with you. The more we keep sharing, the more we'll love each other. There's another quote I've heard or seen (Pinterest maybe?) lately, that says "It's hard to hate someone, after you've heard their story." Which is so incredibly true. If you have an enemy, or someone you hate, you just haven't learned enough about them yet. That's the true reason we're here with each other... We get to learn from each other, to glean strength from each other, to bear one another's burdens. If anything I've said has helped make you stronger, that makes me happy, because everyone I've talked to in the last month or so has enriched my life more than words can express.

I'll do my best not to cry tomorrow, I will wear waterproof mascara though. But know that I love you, and I appreciate each of you for making me stronger. You're loved and appreciated more than you know.

"I've experienced a loss"

So... This blog post may be full of TMI, and things that we, as a society, just don't talk about. But, it's no secret that all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. I've longed for it, dreamed of it, and have always wanted to just be a mother. Never really career-hungry or anything else, although I'm grateful for my career and the education I received to get to this point, I'm happy to provide for this little family we're trying to start.

I've been using a few pregnancy and cycle-tracking apps. I've been taking my basal body temperature every morning for maybe a year? Trying to become a mother. I started my first round of Clomid in January, and second one in February when the first one didn't work. I wasn't very hopeful, and even told myself that I wasn't going to try in March, as a December baby wasn't part of my "plan". Well, I didn't have to try in March, because on March 3rd, I had a positive home pregnancy test. I was over-the-moon elated, and told Danny about it around 5:45am... He later texted me and asked me if I had said something about being "prego" earlier that day. So I texted him the picture of the positive test again.

I didn't want to tell anyone, or everyone until we were past that scary 12 week point, but after we had our first ultrasound, and viability check at 7 weeks + 4 days, and saw a heartbeat of one strong baby, I was elated. We told his parents and my mom with a note for each of them, including a photo of the ultrasound, and got his dad a shirt that says "Grandpa: The Man, The Myth, The Legend" and pearls for both our mothers, asking them for their grandmotherly pearls of wisdom this fall. The baby would have been due on my birthday. November 3rd... Although, it may have been Nov 10th, as the baby was measuring 6 wks + 4 days at that first ultrasound.

Since it was 6+4, I was scheduled to come in 2 weeks later for my official 8wk ultrasound, April 5th. Where the baby should be measuring 8+4 by their measurements and 9+4 by mine... Well, they couldn't find a heartbeat. We went to a radiology lab right after that appointment, but all the ultrasound techs had left around 4pm, and my 8wk appointment was at 3:45, so it was about 4:30 when we got there, and we waited and waited for about 3 hours, I was admitted to Urgent Care, where the new Dr. would have had to put in the orders, as my Nurse Practitioner didn't put a direct contact # in with her orders, so they couldn't call her directly (kinda hate her for this... may seek out a new Dr. as a result)... So anyway, 3 hours of "yes, you'll get an ultrasound" to them not being able to answer my question of "If the Urgent Care Dr. has to put these orders in, how much is it going to cost?" (I did simple lab work with Urgent Care in November, and it cost about 5x's what it should have). So I asked if they had any appointments for the following day, and then I went in on Wednesday the 6th for a second opinion. The ultrasound tech did external and internal scans, and they had to let the radiologist read the scans, call my NP and THEN I finally got the call I was sadly expecting. They couldn't find a heartbeat either.

I had a follow-up appointment with my OB dr. on Friday the 8th, and we scheduled a D&C for April 13th, yesterday.

The more people I've told about this, the more experiences they've shared with me, that make me think "If ________ was able to go through this, then I can to." As humans, we're meant to go through hard things. Hard things make us stronger. They make us able to have the faith in ourselves to go through even more difficult things. One of the things I've learned throughout this life, is our ability to be stronger and more resilient than we think we are. Looking back, there are so many things that have made me strong. I'm sure you have those experiences too.

Third Eye Blind has actually been such a strength to me throughout this... You're scratching your head right now, as to why (or you already know why, because you get them, just like I do.) They had a new album "Dopamine" come out last June. I feel like it truly rivals their first album, THE album that converted me to a life-long fan forever. I can't say it's better, because without that first one, I wouldn't have had the 3eb life that I have. I would have missed out on so much. ANYWAY, they have a small track (2:25) on that album called "All These Things" and it brings me such strength. They played it in San Diego April 8th, and it wasn't even on the setlist. I think Stephan Jenkins somehow knew I needed it. He played it acoustic. I cried. But there's a line in it "Let that feeling, born in shadow, let it make you, make you strong, and the demons, you've got to carry, carry you on, and on, and on." And the first time I heard it. I cried. I've been through a horrible first marriage, a lot of faith-trying events since then, and I've made bad life decisions that have hurt so many people around me. But I've never received more strength from a non-church song, than in these short 2 minutes and 25 seconds.

I am in a few Third Eye Blind facebook groups (no shock there), and have met some of the best people I've ever known through it. We have a "women's group" that broke off from one of the main ones, and it's been comforting knowing I can share this with them, and have them share their experiences back with me. Quite a few of them flew in for the San Diego, and LA shows (Some did Santa Barbara and Santa Ana too) but I was fine with my two. Having them support me through my Dr. apt on Friday, and bead store shopping after, and sharing hotel rooms/beds was more than I could have asked for. We've forged life-long friendships, and I'm so grateful to these women. Which is another reason I'm sharing this on my blog. Hoping it can bring others strength, even though it's a private blog now. 🙂 

We did the VIP meet and greets, and I asked SJ for autographs of "Let it make you strong" and "All these things are yours" as a way to help heal and get through this. I know it's possible, anything and everything is. Other women and their spouses have been through this kind of loss, and with their strength, and with time, I'll surely get over it too. But I'm happy to have joined the ranks of "Mother" even if there's no earthly proof.

We told Danny's extended family on Easter, and I've received a few text messages which help me know we're being loved and prayed for, which I couldn't thank you all for enough.

We've been truly blessed through this experience, and I know we'll continue to gain strength through this as well.

In fact, the hardest thing, for me so far was opening my app "The Bump" and going into settings and clicking the option "I have experienced a loss". It just seemed so final. Which, earthly, it is... but I don't really see it that way. I've only gained eternally. And coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my father's passing, I hope those two are hanging out, and loving every minute of it.

Anyway, I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and love you've all shown. I'm also grateful for a method of sharing this experience. It really, truly has strengthened me, beyond measure. 

Love and Aloha,

~Maren

Happy New Year!

2015 was such an incredible ride. Ups, downs, ins, outs... Incredible.

First though, I'm horrible. I got married in March, and I still haven't sent out Thank You cards. We are thankful. SO thankful for the love, kindness, gifts, hugs, ALL of it. We could not have pulled off that wedding without each of you. The Chases love and adore each and every one of you!

No, that doesn't replace a thank you card, but with my luck, I'll never get them out... And if I do, they need to come with serious apology cards too.

We've had quite the adventure since March, our honeymoon was an absolute blast, and we're so extremely happy we had the opportunity to go to Cancun for 5 days. Presidente and Hermana Kirkham (my cousin and his wife) is the mission president for the Cancun Mexico mission, and I'm elated beyond all belief that I was able to visit them and meet some of the people that serve with them. How incredible it is to be able to have the opportunity to start a mission from nothing! It's hard to believe their mission will be over this June! What an incredible blessing, indeed.

April and May brought my family immense sadness, and a couple of holes that won't ever be filled it seems. My father passed away in April, and I love and miss him every day. EVERY day. They just don't make 'em like that anymore. He was such a loving father, husband, uncle, papa, and friend to all who met him. We also lost my Aunt Cheryl in May, and it's been really hard on my mom's family, but since then, her kids were able to seal her to my Uncle Roi, and they're together now, which makes me grateful I'm a member of this church and know that my family can be together forever. Losing them this year has been hard, but my mom has been able to do a little traveling since then, and she's visiting Jamie in North Carolina right now in fact.

Mom is visiting Jamie because Jamie just had her 3rd child, Hazel Caroline, yesterday. So incredibly cute. On the Chase side, two of Danny's sisters have had babies in 2015 as well. One baby girl, Harper Grace, in March, and his other sister had a baby boy Milo Oliver in July. We're definitely getting a case of baby fever here, which we're trying to cure, but haven't yet been blessed in that department yet.

We went camping at Carpintera State Beach just south of Santa Barbara, CA with Danny's Mom's family in September, and it was a really good 3 days at the beach. We were able to relax, catch up with friends and family, and enjoy a few days off of work! We go every year, and this time I didn't have to bring a separate tent for just me. hehe!

Mid October, we bought zoo passes, good for a year, and we've already been to the Safari Park (ahem, it's the Wild Animal Park), and the San Diego Zoo once. Looking forward to going a lot more this year for sure!

Mid December, we met up with my brother Stephen in Las Vegas with his wife and 4 kids. We were able to babysit them a couple times, and that fed our baby-fix needs for a while. :) The twins were sick and they spread it to each other generously, and the older kids were mostly helpful. We somehow got Steve to let us sleep in his hotel room for free, which was awesome, and somehow, he paid for our Star Wars movie ticket, and a meal at Hash House a Go Go. What? I'm sure I owe him a meal or more babysitting as a result though. Not that it's that hard to do, his kids are a lot of fun for sure!

For Christmas, I upgraded Danny's laptop to windows 10, and got him a 2TB external hard drive with it, and he got me two Urban Decay eye shadow palettes, which are not cheap. I absolutely love them. Definitely spoiled by this husband of mine. We were also extremely spoiled by his parents, with tickets to Disneyland with his whole family for January 26th. I'm excited!

We hope that 2016 finds you healthy and happy. We hope you make it better than last year too.

It's a little sad that it takes another year ending for me to actually write in this blog, but for the daily updates, you can definitely follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook... boring, I know, but I don't need a lot to keep me happy. Danny enriches my life every day and I love all he does for me. He's the best thing ever and I'm extremely blessed to have found him and trick him into being my husband for forever. :) Love that man!

We hope this finds you happy, safe, and loving life! We love you!

~Maren & Danny

2014, I like you.

So... my last post, was in December of 2013? What? How does this happen ALL. THE. TIME!? I don't mean to neglect this blog, and keep paying for the domain hosting... but... I'm likely  never getting rid of it... so there you go.

ANYWAY... There's been some awesome things that have happened to me this year so far, and I just wanted to share them a little.

In January, I started a volunteer course that lasted just over 3 weeks, ending on the 26th of January. I wanted to help out, volunteer somehow, and I did some research, and found the Women's Resource Center in Oceanside, CA, not too far from my home, and decided to send an email about how and where I could come to help. Turns out, they don't let just anyone come and help. You have to attend a LONG course, and become certified in their Crisis Intervention program. After that I've been volunteering monthly as a Sexual Assault Response Advocate, and I'm so happy to say I've never been needed to come in and assist on an actual sexual assault. I know I would be fine if I was, but being available and on call for them has been a very fulfilling thing for me.

Also in January, I re-commited myself to be soda-free for another year... Happy to say that it's mostly worked. I've sneaked a few Low-Carb Monsters in there, but only when I was so dead-tired, I had no other choice. :) I'm happy I'm not as addicted to Dr. Pepper and/or other caffeinated drinks as I once was. Maybe I'll go for a 3rd year. Why not?

February brought a tune-up to the Matrix. It's been such a great car, dodging all the bullets for me... 

But it needed a new gasket seal, and I had new spark plugs put in. I also got new brakes. Little Lightening is such a good car though. :) I just found out it's lost a TON of value, probably because it's a 2006, but if it lasts me another 5 years or so I'll be happy. :)

I also went to an Imagine Dragons concert with the bestie, Michelle, and a hockey game with Aubrie and Kira! :) February was so fun!

In March, I got a #ridiculous sticker on my car and I just love it still. :) It's so very Maren. I was also on a Jury for 8 days... There was a pickaxe and undercover cops involved... I'm glad I got to serve, I'm glad it's over, but I'm mostly glad I don't have to be called up for Jury dudy for 3 years... (Well, more like 2 years now...)

I joined a gym in April... I haven't been back as many times as I thought I would, I've REALLY got to do better wtih that... and eat healthier for myself. Still working on that... ;-) 

On May 1st, I hit my 5 year divorce date, and we had some awesome cake to celebrate (Thanks Michelle!) and a gathering at The Yellow Deli. Scrumptious food. I highly recommend it. (AND It's right around the corner from Peppertree! YUM!) So we went there after... haha! Such good times with great people!

Having been divorced 5 years, I was then able to be set apart and trained as an Ordinance worker on my Wednesday night shifts. Since then I've had many blessings and have seen a big change in my life as a result. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to work there each week! The ladies I work with are phenomenal.

May was also a big month for me, because I met a really great guy... The rest is kind of history, but I kinda want to share with you a few of our first words with each other.  He sent me a simple flirt that said "I'm Interested In You" and I replied ":) Hi Dan, how's it going? I hope you're having an awesome Friday! Yay weekend! ~Maren" lol Cause I figured, why not? What's the worst that could happen? It's either going to work out or it won't... how is that super detrimental? ;) It's not, so I went for it.

He then said "Hi Maren, I'm doing good loving life and yes I am having an awesome Friday I just finished work and now its party time. How's your Friday going any big plans for this awesome 3 day weekend?" And then I told him how I was driving to Utah to visit my niece and nephew who were barely 8 days old. :) We were kinda formal... I like it... but he soon asked me for my #, and we texted back and forth, and setup a first date/meeting. Something about him put me totally at ease with meeting him. I believe his mother was having a birthday that weekend, with some street tacos, and I almost immediately wanted to be apart of it. :)

June 7th I saw Third Eye Blind with Rudy and Ezra. Super awesome and epic.

Back to Danny though, after our first date (Details here), we made plans for a second date, and that was a little awkward. It was in June, which was a bit of a confusing time for me... mostly because md-june I agreed to go on a date with a new guy... On that date, I just kept thinking of Danny, and how he made me laugh and smile, which is kind of rude and really not nice, but... I figure it's for a good cause... That weekend, was the LDS San Diego YSA conference, which (at age 35) I probably shouldn't have attended, but I did. Danny was there, his parents were there (his dad is the Branch President of the Temecula YSA.) And I officially met them at the Bonfire on Friday night, and throughout the workshops Saturday, and church on Sunday (which I made him save me a seat to), I was finding myself more and more drawn to him.

After that, the rest of June and part of July was FULL of the Del Mar Fair (AKA: The San Diego Fair... I don't think I'll get used to calling it that...) and SO MANY CONCERTS! I probably went 6 times, and 3 or 4 of them were with Danny. Also of Note, I saw Darius Rucker at the fair in July too. EPIC. Pentatonix was also in the queue...

July 10th we celebrated Danny's birthday in Temecula by having dinner with his family, followed by an awesome backyard bonfire.

On July 18th, Danny and I had a date night to the temple, and our first picture together. Awww It's also the first time I told him I loved him.  

This past summer, I went to as many concerts as I could get my hands on, really... In July I also saw Daughtry, The Goo Goo Dolls, Plain White T's, Eve6, Everclear and Soul Asylum! I even got my ticket signed by ALL THREE members of Eve6! (#OHMYGOSHILOVETHEMSOMUCH!)

And to continue on my year that ROCKED,  far as concerts go, I saw Tonic and Vertical Horizon in Nashville and Weezer in Del Mar in August, Pomplamoose in October, Switchfoot, Bastille, and CAKE in November! It's even likely that I missed a couple. Oops! I can't even keep up with my own awesomeness! ;-) haha just kidding!

In early August, I also had the opportunity to go camping with the Chase family. We went up to Carpinteria, and explored that cute cute town! It was so fun to see their traditions, and favorite shops, and the sreet market. They've been coming here for camping for about 30 years. Super impressive that they've kept it up and have continued to go! It's such a great tradition!

Later on in August, I got to go to an Angel's game at Angel's statium in Anaheim with my babe... He's definitely an Angel's fan... And let's give it up for the old lady and the dude photobombing us... lol Awesomely epic. I posted this photo on facebook and everyone laughed at our photobombers. The other picture I took had me with my hawaiian ring on the other hand, and people were like "OH MY GOSH! IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS!" By that time, we both knew we were going to be married, and that it was going to happen on Pi Day 2015, but no one else knew yet. I liked it being our little secret. :)

For Labor Day, we went to Utah. We, Danny and I. We figured our relationship was getting serious, and it was time for him to meet the parents... I'd already been camping with his family, so it only seemed fair. There's still a LOT of people in my family he won't meet till the wedding or after, so I like that he was pushing me to make the trip to Utah so he could meet my family. If you'd like a really great giggle, click here: http://dannyandmaren.com/meeting-her-parents/ to read the whole story of how he met my parents, and soon after asks my father's permission to marry me. It still makes me laugh and smile, really. One for the grandkids, for sure! 

Also in September, we started rehearsals for our "Believe in the Miracle" Christmas program, held the first weekend of December. It was a LONG time practicing, but the show is always amazing, and always super fun to be a part of! If I move into another stake, I might not be a part of it again, and it was such a fun experience this year! VERY time-consuming, but very worth it! It's a great show, you should probably catch it next year! ;-)

Later on in September, we went camping AGAIN, with the PB Ward. LOTS of fun, very cold up near Julian though, at William Heisse Campgrounds.

October was mostly a blur, but on October 24, 2014, time stood still a little. Daniel Wayne Chase asked me to marry him, and I said yes! :) He's ridiculous, goofy, loving, sweet, and he worries about me non-stop. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm lucky to get to call him mine forever on March 14, 2015. I love him so much and I'm working to live each day to be worthy of that love. (Which he says I accomplish by simply breathing... Seriously, he's a sweetheart!) I posted the whole story on our website here: http://dannyandmaren.com/the-proposal/ If you'd like to read all the details. :) I wrote it out soon after it happened, so it's more accurate than I would be 2 months later.

Danny and I both basically dropped the ball for Halloween, we'll be better next year, I promise... BUT I had purchased a Pi symbol and an eye patch, so I was a Pi-rate for halloween. I giggled my bootie off, and a few people smiled when they "got it"... I noticed mostly, my smart and nerdy friends got it without explaination really quickly. Very entertaining costume. :)

November brought my 36th birthday, Danny wrote: "Having dinner with my gorgeous fiance and celebrating her 28th birthday with Birthday flan" because we went to a great Mexican place for dinner. I thought it was hilarious. Cause, for the record, I'm not 28... But bless his little heart for saying so. :-D

Near the end of November, my babes and I went to Legoland courtesy of my roommate Elizabeth, who worked there for like a day... She had passes that expired at the end of the month, so we changed our Saturday plans and spent the day at Legoland! We parked illegally at the golf club up the street, and walked and walked and walked the long way there and twice as long on the way back (it was uphill, it makes the distance further!) But we had SUCH a fun time there! I loved it more than I thought I would, and it WAS Awesome! :-D

Danny was like a kid in a candy store the entire time, which was really cute to see. :) He's so great. He's a big lego, comic book, Star Wars fan, so it was fun to see him giddy as a schoolgirl in the Star Wars display, he took so many pictures, and his angles were awesome, after a while, I took pictures of him taking pictures. I was amused, even though I never showed the pics to anyone. haha! Oh, I love that big kid of mine! He's great.

December brought my much awaited Christmas concert! Danny came to 2/3rds of my performances, and I was happy about that, for sure. A bunch of friends were able to come and see the performances as well. This is my good friend Michelle and I. She's great. :)

We also attended a handful of Christmas parties, this one was at my fancy work party at the San Diego Marriott Marquois #MerryottMarquoisSD on December 13th, an that was really fun too. My co-worker snapped this pic of us there with his bi DSLR camera... (I so totally want one... the picture quality is like niht and day here!)

We also attended a few of his family's Christmas parties... hopefully next year we'll head to Utah for the Holidays. :)

Also at the end of December, we spent an hour one Saturday with my good friend Kristen Canady, who also made our weddin website: http://www.dannyandmaren.com (You should totally check it out! She does great work! Some of the links may not work, but it will be fixed soon!) And we leaked a sneak peak of our engagement session with her. (I mean, seriously, it's hard not to leak them ALL, but somehow I found the strength to refrain! #soproudofmyself haha Sadly, I have not yet found the strength to refrain from using hashtags all over the place. :-D

Anyway, here's that picture, if you missed it.

So now, it's just full speed ahead with the wedding planning! We hope to se you March 14, 2015 in San Diego, or April 3rd in Utah!

We are so thrilled and excited to see what the new year, 2015, the year of our marriage has in store for us! We're also so excited to have so many friends and family love and support us! We're truly blessed, and we definitely recognize the Lord's hand in our relationship, and hope that He will always provide that constant companionship we've come to recognize, throughout our lives.

We hope this holiday season and New Year bring you joy, happiness, love, health, and awesomeness! We love you!

Mele Kalikimaka and Hauli Makahiki Hou! :-D

~Maren (and kind of Danny too!) :)

Merry Christmas and a farewell to 2013!

Aloha Friends & Family!

Christmas is always a special time of year, the lovely "Christmas Letter" gives us all a chance to catch up on the lives of loved ones, and while I don't have a family to report on, or update you with, just know, that if you're reading this, you mean the world to me, and I'm grateful for your presence in my life and your influence for good in it. Your spirit and kindness have helped shape me into the gal I am today. (...and I hope you take that as a compliment! haha!)

To recap on my little family, Daisy still hates baths, and I'm going into 2014 with one less bone in my body. In June, I had a sesamoidectomy. Recovery was mostly quick, but I'm not 100% back to normal. The range of motion in my big toe is maybe at 60% of what it was. However, my toe still tingles, which means nerves are still coming back online, so I'm hopeful I'll get more range back! But having foot surgery sometimes means it's difficult to stay standing for a while if my shoes are crappy... I guess I need to start buying more comfy (cute) shoes. ;) Which includes getting rid of old crappy shoes. It'll include a LOT of getting rid of things I don't need or use anymore.

Daisy and I also moved this past October. I think it was move #26 or #27 since my parents left Hawaii in 1997... I've obviously lost track. :) BUT what matters, is that I haven't lost track of the people I've known in all the places I've lived in. I have always and Willa ways value my friendships... You are no different. I'm also super excited about those I've yet to meet, who will continue to uplift and bless my life.

Anyway, I've moved out of the awesome house I was renting, with roommates that didn't share my values. The owner wanted to take the house back, paint it, put in new carpet, and now it's renting for $500 more than what we were paying. Good riddance, I say. :-) Onwards and upwards!

My new roommates are amazing, I kinda feel like I hit the jackpot there. They're positive, happy, and loving gals who love Miss Daisy, and are super easy to live with. I've definitely been blessed living with Brittney and Krissy. I'm also 4 miles closer to work, and that can't be a bad thing. :)

In January, I started working in the Temple as a receptionist, two Wednesday evenings a month. In June, the Wednesday night receptionist coordinator moved to Idaho, and we struggled without one for a while, and then near the end of July, they asked me if I would be the receptionist coordinator on Wednesday night. I was overwhelmed, humbled, and excited, keep in mind, I've only been endowed since last October, and I didn't feel like I was good enough for a responsibility like this, but I accepted the call. It has mostly been a drama-free process, and I've just LOVED every minute of it... Being at the temple is something I actually crave now. I love the peace I feel being there, and I highly recommend you join me whenever possible. :-)

Also, in July, I sold my Jeepie. A bright-eyed Marine wanted an automatic Jeep Wrangler, and I finally a admitted to myself that I couldn't afford it anymore... So instead, I now have a used 2006 Toyota Matrix, and, I honestly LOVE it. I'm getting at least 10 miles per gallon more than the Jeep, and since it's a hatchback, I can fit a ton of stuff in it! It was basically my moving van in October. :-) I named it Lightning, after some Third Eye Blind lyrics... ("Lightning comes and lightning goes, and it's all the same to me..." seems appropriate, it's white.)

And with the new car, came a new ward. My excuse for not attending a mid-singles ward previous to this, was that the gas was too much. Without that excuse, I've been attending the mid-singles ward since the end of July, which takes me 30 minutes, instead of 4, but I'm not complaining! I just LOVE my ward. It's a 31-45 ward, and it just feels like home. In October or so, they made me the Family Home Evening coordinator. Thankfully we only do it twice a month, but it keeps me busy on the 2nd and 4th Mondays, for sure. I just LOVE all the people I've met in this new ward, who enrich me and encourage me to be a little better, each day.

I'm still working at the same place, but in February/March was offered a promotion to Senior IT Support Technician, and it has been paying the bills just as well as the last job was. I'm grateful for my education and my ability to support myself. Also, I'm FINALLY looking into volunteering at a Women's shelter this year, so that should help keep me busy and focused on things that matter in the long run as well. I'm excited!

2013 has been quite the year for me, and here's hoping 2014 is even better! Thanks for sticking with me, and loving me in spite of my weaknesses and shortcomings. I'll keep on respecting and loving others with a positive attitude, and I invite you to do the same!

I'm also set to be Auntie to twins in May, a boy and a girl via Stephen & Crystal. I'm so excited!

Mahalo, Aloha, Mele Kalikimaka, and Hauoli Makahiki Hou!
~Maren

PS, I'm still addicted to Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. ;-)

I guess I do still have a blog...

Even if it's been 4 months since the last post...

Even if I have really not a whole lot to post about... (okay, so maybe I do...)

Even if I'm the only one reading it anymore. :) It's mine, and I love it. Well, kinda.

I've been better about keeping a paper-version of my journal lately, which really is better than a blog...

Let's see... 4 months... I've had my sesamoidectomy, I meant to do a whole post about it too, I documented it ALL, and the pictures are AMAZING! I love that stuff though, and if you want my un-professional opinion, I could have been a Doctor. Blood and stitches and all of that doesn't bother me at ALL.

Anyway, I had my operation on June 13th, and everything went SO amazingly well! At my 3 month post-op, my amazing doctor (If any of you need a Podiatrist in Southern California, you just let me know, I have deep DEEP admiration and respect and a little love for my doctor. He's amazing.) Anyway, he was impressed with the strength my big toe had... See, in June, when he cut my foot open to take my obliterated sesamoid bone out, he had a good look at the two tendons that run the length of your foot, and instead of two tendons, I was left with a half.

HALF of one tendon.

Yikes dude. I heard that and babied that foot SOOO well. I tried my best to follow all of his rules, even though I was putting pressure on it before I should have... and the day I got my stitches out, I went to the Del Mar Fair (yeah, they changed the name, but I'm refusing to use it. :) ) and I walked around on my foot for hours n hours. I had a walking cast, and I taped my foot up really tight, so it wouldn't separate... but I may have over-done it with all the walking... hah BUT I also think the walking was good for it. If you look at my foot now, it's smooth as ever, my roommate/BFF Brittney looked at it yesterday and she said "Oh my gosh!" and I was concerned and said "WHAT!?" (as she's a masseuse, and knows anatomy WAY better than I do, I was concerned!) She then said "You can't even tell you had surgery on that foot! I can barely even see your scar!" Yeah, it's that good.

I think a LOT of the healing it's done has been a MAJOR outpouring of God's blessings for me. I asked to heal quickly, and He obliged.

I'm also VERY glad I didn't wait till "after labor day" to do it. I would have mostly enjoyed my summer, would have had more trips to the beach, perhaps... but on August 26th, my roommates and I received an email from the management company for the house we were living in, that said "Notice to Vacate". Not good. It's basically a kind eviction notice. The owner wanted his house back. I imagine to re-paint the place, put in new carpeting, and charge $2600 or $2700 for the place for rent... or maybe possibly sell it. Who knows. Not I. BUT it needed a TON of TLC, so who knows if we'll even get a deposit back. I tried anyway. IF we do, it's going to be funnelled through me, and then maybe I'll give some back to my roommates.

We had to be out Oct 12th, and I was the only one who was there on Friday night from 6-1:30am and again on Saturday the 12th from 8am-7:30pm cleaning, tossing trash, cleaning the fridge... It was a horrible mess, and neither of my roommates cared. They were too busy hating each other, claiming the other was a crazy person (perhaps they both were?) They had a fight the Tuesday before we had to be out, and let's just say the police were involved. How did I find these ridiculous people?

Anyway, I'm so glad to be moved out, and into an apartment that is Daisy-friendly, with two women who love her, attend church regularly, and are basically just good people in general. I've been so blessed in this move, and I'm glad to be out of that place!

Onwards and Upwards, right?

I'm glad I got my surgery when I did, because I would have likely postponed it, and would currently still be in pain... living in a house where I have to go down a flight of stairs, and then up another... Moving was not fun, but I'm thankful for Craigslist, and all the helpers I had... even if none of them were from church.

Speaking of... why none of them were from church... In August, I switched my records over to the mid-singles ward. I figured, there was no reason not to, after...

Oh my... I forgot to mention... I sold my Jeep! July 27th. I sold the love of my life! LoL I'm so sad that I'm no longer a Jeep owner. I still wave at other Jeeps, and I suffer from a slight case of Jeep tourettes... Every time I see one I say "JEEP!" and I point. I'm ridiculous... BUT, I got a Toyota Matrix, and I kinda love it.

It gets great gas mileage, better if I'd lay off the gas pedal... I've recently discovered it goes over 100 without me even noticing... I'm like "oops" and then I slow down to 80ish... ;-) So as I was saying... there's no reason not to go to the other ward, (with people my own age) even if it is 27.5 miles from my house... Yipes. With my Jeep it would have been like 2 gallons of gas ONE WAY, so I'm saving half, no matter where I drive... Which is LOVELY! My car payment is also WAY less than half of what it used to be. So I'm quite pleased with that. :)

So, other than that... All is well. Nothing else to report... Daisy is getting used to the new apartment, so am I... but it's a very good thing, and I LOVE the hot tub! :) We used to sneak in when Kristen and Becky lived there, but now it's MINE and I can go whenever I want! :) I just love it! AND I'm 4.5 miles closer to work, so I can come home for lunch! It's fantastic! :-)

Oh, and I have a new calling in the mid-singles ward. I'm the new FHE Coordinator. We thankfully only have it on the 2nd, 4th and occasional 5th Mondays of the month, but we'll see how long it'll last with just me to assist. :)

I love my life, I love where I live, and I'm so thankful God has watched over me these last few months, I couldn't have done it without Him! I feel like I need an Amen in here somewhere, but I guess happiness does that to you. ;-)

Anyway, thanks for reading the latest update! I may add pictures later... I may not...

Is there any interest in seeing or hearing a blog post about my surgery? I'll put the pictures in LINKS you'd have to click, so you're not exposed to them front and center. It's not something I want to surprise anyone with... If you'd want to see them, you'd have to click and be taken off site to where they're hosted. ;) Comment if you want a surgery recap that went into more detail than this post did.

Alohas!

How is it June already?

I'm kind of feeling like the book of Omni right about now... 270 years passed away... 320  years passed away... maybe my brother Chemish can write in this blog for a minute... lol

Yes, it's true... I'm losing interest in my blog. Shock shock... With the 3 posts total for this year, and it's June... Oh my. 2013 is half over.

Okay, so June. My sesamoidectomy surgery is in one week. I'm nervous. But I know it'll be for the best. I keep trying not to totally freak out about it too, but then I look up other peoples' blogs about the issue, and I can't help it. I'm not concerned at ALL about my surgery. My doctor is seriously one of the best in the country. People fly in from all over to have him work on their feet. The yelp reviews can't be wrong! :-) My good friend Kristen used to work for him, and she's seen the in's and outs of everything he does with and for people, so I'm sold. I'm so glad I could get a personal recommendation, because stuff like this is so obviously freaking me out.

Other than my dumb foot, really not a ton going on. :)

I'm still addicted to the temple, and have gone to the Redlands temple in early March, the Newport temple the last day of March, the LA temple before I flew out of LAX the end of May, to visit Jamie in Raleigh... where I visited the Raleigh temple last Thursday with Jamie, Mom, Crystal, & Amy! So fun! We ate at a Simply Crepes place, and said to heck with savory crepes, and jumped straight to dessert crepes. Best. Decision. EVER. I got the fudge brownie crepe. AMAZING. I firmly believe every gal needs something with brownies in it at least once a month. Required. :)

But the visit out east was super fun. We did a LOT of fun things, a childrens museum, FHE bonfire+smores, the beach, a fruit farm w/ homemade ice cream, the pool, the temple, and we even had a luau! Such fun! :) It was good to have Andrew & Amy and family there, with Jamie's family, Stephen's family, Mom & Dad, and me all there. 17 was a LOT of family to have in one house, and Jamie is certifiably a super woman. Andy works really long hours, and she was the perfect hostess to all of us! I was definitely impressed!

And I got to spend the week with these 8 cute kids!



I love my life! :-D

Anyway, pray for me in a week! Love ya!

Is it April already?

How does that happen? My last post was in January, and now it's 4 months and then some later? haha, I'm surprised anyone even reads this anymore. For those of you who do, Thanks!

This is mostly a follow-up to my December 2010 post where I went and got my foot x-rayed, and found out my sesamoid bone was cracked... The picture I used back then was copied from twitter, and for some reason I can't pull it up anymore. Sad. I'll see if I can sift through pics on my home computer to find the original x-ray, which I basically took a picture of the old-school film that was on the light-box on the wall... SUPER old-school. What? No wonder I didn't get a proper diagnosis... the doctor was way out of touch.

Anyway, like six months ago, I was talking to my good friend Kristen and she recommended a Podiatrist, and I took his #, and never called, and never called... Lately, my foot has been having these sharp pain spasms, really not comfortable... and the only thing that helps ease it, is pressure right below the sesamoid... so, since I can't literally walk around with my hand on my foot, (ridiculous) I decided to finally give him a call... a week and a half or so ago... (idiot... I know... why do I put things off like this? I could have had all winter to bum around in a crappy foot/walking cast... but nope... now I think I might wait 5 more months till after Labor Day... unless the pain becomes emergent... We'll see I guess!) and got an appointment for April 16th.

So I went in yesterday, they x-ray'd my foot, and basically... the tibial sesamoid (the inner bone) needs to be removed. They call that a sesamoidectomy. There's been some pain in my left foot too, so I had them check that one too... it's fine, so now we can compare what it's supposed to look like, to what mine looks like.



See? Clear difference. Not good.

Only, I should have gone in MONTHS ago, so I would have ruined my winter... instead of my summer... And now, I'm having to wait 5 more months because I don't want my summer ruined... And then maybe I'll be healed by the time my birthday rolls around, and I'll buy myself so me new shoes in November! lol

I need something to look forward to, right? New shoes works for me!

So perhaps, no more running, or taking Daisy for walks (same thing, really... cause she takes ME for walks) unless I want to really screw up my tendon...

Anyway... that's the latest from the west coast! :-)

Oh, and I might be in the market for a more fuel-efficient car. They gave me a tune-up and now my gas mileage is even worse than it once was... as it needs an O2 sensor replacement... *groan*

If anyone sees an old reliable 4 door honda civic or something else good, let me know, okay? I'm so nervous about buying used cars now. *sigh*

2012 Favorites & Happenings

Wow. It's kind of hard to believe a whole year has come and gone yet again. 2012 was definitely a year of growth, happiness, and joy for me. It wasn't without its sadness and disappointments either, but most of all, I feel like I've grown as a result of what happened this past year. Here's a quick recap... I'm not making it a top 10 or whatever, but only because I don't want to feel like I *HAVE* to find 10 things, or that I have to ONLY have 10... If there's 9 or 13, so be it!

One of the biggest defining things in my life this far happened this year, it was a process, and I didn't even realize it was starting when it started, but it started in February. One of my favorite people in the entire world passed away from a sudden stroke February 8th, my uncle Dale B. Kirkham. Reading his obituary, you can see he was a decorated Navy man, who had an incredible life, but most of all, he was a shining example of Christlike love to me. His wife, my dad's sister was also an amazing example of this, it reminded me how people SHOULD be. And I know they weren't always perfect, but they loved everyone they were in contact with, and THAT'S the kind of life I want to live.

March 5th, my mother's mother, my sweet Grandma Velda Palmer passed away at the young age of 97 and a half! I thank her for all of my amazing DNA, I've come to grips with the fact that I'm 34... and still can pass as a 25 year old (on a good day...) No wrinkles, no grey hairs, and my skin is always amazing! I was barely 5 when my father's mother passed away, and I don't remember enough about her to know much about my inherited DNA, BUT I do remember feeling loved at her house too, so I'm hoping I got some of that from the Smith side...

If you'll notice though, these two losses were less than a month apart, and I couldn't miss the funerals for either one, so I drove up for each of them, and they were both incredible services, and you could feel the spirit there for them both. Which eventually led me to ditch the jerk I was dating... He did me a favor when he blocked and deleted me from his life the day my Uncle died. If that's not a clear cut sign from God, I don't know what is. Thank you Lord, and thank you to my ex's new wife... Seriously! She saved me. :-) I'd probably shake her hand if I saw her in person. She's able to put up with SO MUCH MORE than I'll ever be able to! haha! Ah well, I'm still best friends with his sister, and we always say "Onwards and Upwards!" And she adds an "Edwards" in there, cause she's a HUGE twilight freak... I don't get the draw of sparkly men... but whatever! Onwards and upwards indeed! 2013, here I come!

Anyway, onto some of my favorite things from this past year!

2012 Favorites:

-Day: October 5, 2012

-Place: Oquirrh Mountain Temple (see above date)

-Event: Related to the two above... I went through the temple and received my endowments. I've been addicted ever since.

-Second favorite Place: The San Diego Temple ;-) Maybe that's WHY I'm an addict... It's so pretty!

-App: Instagram (#addictions) 

-Second fav App: Pinterest

-Album: Eve6 - Speak in Code (seriously, not a bad song on it, and it's been on repeat since it came out in April... Not a lot of full albums get that level of respect from me... Yes... I know this makes me a 90's girl, but I don't care. I like me like that! :-D )

-Song: Muse - Madness (I know this just came out, but I'm currently addicted... and Third Eye Blind hasn't come out with a new album/song this year... haha!)

-Concert: I saw the Wallflowers on the 8th of September with Kristen, and we were exposed to a lovely band "Paul Cannon Band" from SD, you should check them out, they have a totally positive vibe, and I like that!

-New Band: I'm not sure if I discovered them this year, or in 2011, but Fiction20Down is also a really cool band, and they put out a free EP, which makes me like them even more. Very 311-ish. :)

2012 Happenings:

-I've had my iPhone replaced 3 times. :) I promise I'm not usually this klutzy with them... Oops!

-My Jeep gets the shakes when I'm going faster than 45, and hit a bump... I have to pull over a little, and slow down to 45 and then it stops... I think, maybe, I need new bushings? *sigh*

-In September, I joined the Del Mar Stake Choir. LOVED every minute of it (except for the gas-guzzlng Jeep MPG's to get me to and from the Stake Center... haha! Oh well. We were singing Christmas songs in September, so I really can not complain! Anyway, we had two performances on December 8th and 9th, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat! In fact, they've asked us to sing at Stake Conference in 2 weeks... Very excited about that. But here's a pic of me all Christmas'd out on Dec 9th. (2 days after I slammed my finger in my Jeep car door, and then had my iPhone fall into the cup of ice which had melted overnight... What a series of unfortunate events THAT was. YAY for warranties!)

-Went to the San Diego Auto Show and did the whole "Jeep experience" again... only, at the end of it, I got a cool shopping bag. Also, it was probably one of the best first dates I've had all year. 

-And my addiction for all things Nail Polish related has only grown exponentially... I'm in the process of painting spice racks from IKEA yellow, pink, orange, green, and tiffany blue... soon I'll hang them on the wall, and put my nail polish collection on display... where it belongs... :-D I'm addicted to bright colors right now... I want to paint EVERYTHING IN amazing HAPPY bright colors! (See the scarf and neon green shirt above? Um... yeah... it's like that.) My sheets are still bright orange, and that makes me unbelievably happy too.

Some goals for 2013 are to continue my positive resolve... For the last 3-4 years my only resolution has been to not let negative people or negative things into my life. I don't need them! I forgive you for past negative influences in my life... but if I don't need or want you in my life from here on out... that's my decision. I'm surrounding myself with positive people, happy people, huggy people! Those are my kind of people! In fact, I've recently been set apart as a San Diego Temple receptionist... Perhaps May 1, 2014, (5th legal anniversary of my divorce... curse those bad decisions...). I can be a full-fledged temple worker... but until then I'll be greeting individuals coming to the temple on the 1st and 3rd Wednesday's of the month. :-) Perhaps an exception can be made, so I don't have to wait a year and 4.5 months... but we'll see... Until then, I'll just be patient, and happy with going to the temple each week (our ward goes the 2nd and 4th Wed...) There's no better place on earth, so why not be there as often as possible? :-)

Also, I kinda fell off the "diet" and eating healthy wagon in November... I 100% blame my birthday, and all things pumpkin. I can NOT resist pumpkin ANYTHING apparently. Such a horribly delicious weakness of mine. haha! Anyway... I need to eat better again, and take Daisy on her walks more often. She loves that crap, and dangit, it's good for me! :-)

I'm hoping to be able to afford two major trips this year... One to North Carolina in May for Memorial Day weekend with Jamie, Andrew, and Stephen's families... How cool would that be? 8 of 13 nieces and nephews in one spot? How can an awesome Auntie M. like me resist such a temptation! I can't. :-) haha. The other trip, is hopefully to the Dominican Republic just before Christmas to see one of my best friends get married... Alan Boleware got engaged last month, and he called me to tell me his news and invite me to his destination wedding. :-) How cool is that?! AND Apparently the Temple has housing for like $3 a day? I'm all over that! So we'll see... My passport is current... so all that's left is saving up for the flight! :-) Could be fun! 

Other than that, I'm going to be happy. Simple enough, but I see way too much sadness everywhere I go... so I'm surrounding myself with happy people and happiness, and things that make me happy... including the temple, instagram, and pinterest... :-) And maybe the occasional pumpkin treat. I refuse to be miserable... I left that life behind over 5 years ago... ;-) Onwards and Upwards! That's the theme for 2013, I guess! 

Aloha 2012, you were fantastic! Welcome 2013! I hope you're even MORE fantastic(er)!!!

My little piece of heaven

I think this post is quite a while overdue... but that's probably because I'm still reflecting on my recent experiences of going through the temple, making further covenants with my Savior Jesus Christ, and making plans to go back as often as I can.

Sometime in late July 2009, my family and I were all in Utah, we had the opportunity to attend an Open House for the Oquirrh Mountain Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, located in West Jordan, Utah. There was quite the wait, and tents, and all kinds of things set up for it. We even had juice and cookies afterward. Super fun. But inside, inside was something else. The chandeliers are stunning, literally, they took my breath away 3 years ago, and they did it again in October. I'm so glad I went through there. I'd seen it all before on the inside, but it's dramatically different after the open house hoopla goes away, and a the sacred dedication to the Lord takes place. Isn't the chandelier amazing? And of course, there's symbolism in the star shape.

6 weeks ago, my dad told me that 3 years ago, he was going to come and get me, while I was sitting in the Celestial room, but he got a distinct feeling to just "let her be" so he did. He didn't tell me this 3 years ago, of course, but apparently, this event was taking root in 2009. Who knew? (Oh wait, I already know the answer to that question!) I'm thankful he let me sit. I had to soak it all in, I had to believe in the possibility that I belong there. I had to feel my Savior's love, know that I have a part in His plan, and even actually picture myself coming back to that beautiful room again. I did, and I did, and I hope to time and time again.

In Hebrews 13:8 it reads "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever." So, I knew it didn't matter where I picked to go through the temple for the first time, I saw an opportunity to have almost all of my family there, so I went for it. I also knew my best friend would be there, and having Leah, and Adoni there was simply the icing on the cake! As I walked into the room, with my family & friends waiting for me, I'm fairly certain I had tears welling up in my eyes, and as I went around hugging people, (I'm such a hugger), A few tears fell, silently... until I hugged my sister in law, Crystal... As she hugged me, she whispered in my ear a simple "Welcome home!" And I lost it. Gone were the "pretty cry" tears... replacing them were hyperventilating, noisy, and REALLY loud gasps and tears of JOY! I'd never felt so loved, beautiful, or safe in my entire life. I knew that's where I needed to be, and I continue to feel that way.  Tomorrow makes it 6 weeks from the day I went through and I'm happy to say I think I've lost track of how many times I've been through, twice this week already, 3 times last week... I think it's like 10 total? I'm completely addicted to feeling that way, feeling so loved, so pure, and so... so much that I just belong!

One could say (and have) that I'm addicted to going to the temple now. I'm quite pleased to say that I finally have a healthy addiction! No one will get hurt from it, and I don't think it's possible to overdose! It's fantastic! Once I feel more comfortable with the details (I'm more than comfortable with the big picture of things there) I might sign up to work there (unpaid of course, all positions in our church are unpaid.) So I can see others feel this way too. We shall see....

For now, I'll keep going when I feel the need to go, if I miss it, I'll go, simple as that. Now that I'm able to go, as often as I want, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll keep myself going, and able to go. I don't even want to imagine my life without that ability right now! There were only 5 of us that went to Ward Temple Night last night, hopefully it's not always so sparse... Our 2nd counselor buys us dinner prior to ward temple night, I'd think that would be a major draw for some... Apparently not though. Maybe it's just scheduling. :-)



Me and my BFF. He was cold. I still felt all warm inside. ;-)

Anyway, hopefully it wasn't an over-share, but I felt the need to share my feelings towards the temple and this Church.

Overwhelmed, Anxious, and Courageous

That about sums up what I'm feeling lately...

I received the last needed signature on my Temple Recommend on Sunday. I spoke with our Stake President on Sunday, and cried, I probably used like 4 of his tissues, and by the end of it, I just had so much love for him. I can tell he was called of God to be our Stake President. My good friend Paige (who just got married) is one of his daughters, and I can tell now why she's so cool. He was sweet, funny, and sympathetic to what I told him, and all I'd gone through... It was an amazing experience, and I'm almost sad that I don't have to go back for 2 years... haha... Anyway... I'm hoping to never let this recommend expire. It's something I'll hold precious, because for some dumb reason, I never thought I'd get one. But, it's true, even the worst of sinners can be forgiven if they repent and turn their lives to God. I'm hoping to do just that. :)



So that's where the overwhelmed part comes from. I've gotten texts, likes, hugs, and so much love from everyone I know, I'm too excited, happy, and just plain giddy over this! So of course that makes me anxious. I'm also anxious for other reasons, but I'm not sure they belong on a blog... especially when I don't know the outcome... so you'll have to wait for that one... I was going to post it here, but then I realized this is public, and the news needs not to be. :) Feel free to email me about that one... or just wait.

I also wanted to update the weight loss trackers... I'm down 20 lbs now and the confidence is starting to come back. I'm liking that my jeans can go back to being fat jeans. ;) And then I'll need to buy new jeans, cause I don't have any smaller than a 14... Which is not bad news!

I'm going to kick the exercise up a notch... hopefully, because my sesamoid seems to be flaring up again... so we'll see if I'm able to walk on it w/ Daisy pulling me... and heaven knows she likes to run... Maybe I'll get my bike tire pumped up and teach her to run alongside me? She might really like that... except my neighborhood is super hilly. Ah well. I'll figure something out... I just hope it's not surgical. :-(

Anyway... all in all, I'm facing this future of mine with hope and courage. With everything I've been through I can see how the Lord has blessed me through this life, and I know He will continue to do so, and I'll be more and more refined to become what He wants me to be, for the purposes He wants for me. I'm excited!

One month...

They say a habit takes 21 days to form... Whomever they are, I'll never know... but it seems to be true.

I changed the way that I eat a month ago yesterday. I changed my life, I think. I don't even crave cupcakes, cookies, brownies, cake, or whatever anymore. I'm starting to feel supremely empowered here. I've never said "No, thank you" to baked goods so many times in my life in the past month... And better yet, folks are starting to notice... not that that's why I've made changes, but it helps me keep on saying "No, thank you" when evil sugar and baked goods are in my face.

I was at the YSA conference last weekend, and they had extra dark chocolate (my favorite!) on a platter, and a cute boy was trying to force it on us, saying it was healthy (which in comparison to milk chocolate it IS...) and over the recent years, I've truly developed a taste for dark chocolate. I had to tell him no like 5 times before he gave up and walked away... He was doing the "You know you want it...." thing too... and I'm like, yeah, that's the problem! lol So I've even conquered chocolate! How in the world did I find the motivation for that? It's a miracle, really.

Also, I did pray I could do this, because it matters to ME, I'm sure it matters to God, however insignificant to Him my desires may be. If he can bless me with the strength to overcome this weakness of mine, to become a healthier person, then I can definitely overcome it. Other "They" people say that "Two people can do ANYTHING, as long as one of those people is God." I completely love that. The truth of that has really hit home lately.

Marianne Williamson's extremely famous quote has stitched its way into my life lately, and I'm not afraid anymore. I know I can do this. I know I'm strong enough to conquer the world. I know God loves me!

Here's her quote anyway:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I completely adore this quote. I want it written on my wall somehow... Maybe I'll paint it on a large canvas! I love the idea of words on the wall. I put my Holstee Poster up on the wall, and it inspires me every day.

I've overcome so much in the past few years. I'm not that dumb girl I used to be anymore. (I'm the first to admit that I've made some mistakes... but I've learned SO MUCH from them, so I don't regret a single decision I've made.) My past has made me who I am today, and I like me. I like me so much! I've completely embraced who I am, who I can become, and I'm ready for what's next!

Anyway it's been a month, and I've obliterated 15 lbs or so (I only check on Mondays... lol), so far... (no sense in calling them "lost" cause I have no plans on "finding" them again!) I'm making better decisions, eating better food, getting out there and walking my dog, and generally embracing life! People around me are noticing too, not just a slimmer "you can see it in your face" me, but a me who loves them, who cares about them, and who will listen to them, and give them really good advice. I was almost a mental health counselor... and even though the thought of doing that on a daily basis overwhelms me completely, and I don't think I could handle the constant countertransference (I'd feel way too much for my clients, and come home emotionally drained... I don't think I could handle that...) BUT, I can definitely still offer the very best advice I know how to give, and do so out of love. It's really that simple, too. I've always been that way, but now with all the experience my life has given me, I feel more qualified to give advice, and have faith in what I'm telling them.

It's not just the outside I'm in process of changing either. Along with becoming healthier, eating better, no sugar, low carbs, high protein, limited calories... I'm more aware of who I am on the inside too. I've had some amazing experiences at church recently, blessings, talks I've heard, firesides, and even examples in some good friends. I know that I'm a Child of God. I know God Lives. I know he loves ME. Little ol' ME! Such an incredible feeling to feel and know that.

I'm a Mormon. Very firm in those beliefs as well. That link is a link to my Mormon.org profile. It's a sliver of what I've gone through to get to where I'm at. I haven't really linked it anywhere except for here and on my about.me page, which I also haven't really shared with anyone till now. :-)

Church is now something I look forward to every Sunday. 3 hours doesn't seem like enough. I can't get enough! I missed temple baptisms this past month because one of my best friends was moving across the country (we miss you Krystal!) and we had a going-away get-together with her. So I missed it (in all meanings of the word).

Aren't we adorable? Brittney, Me, Krystal, Bo, & Joe. They've become my Cali-ohana. I love these 4 to death!

I also saw that picture and didn't love the me I saw in it. The physical doesn't match how I feel on the inside, so a month and a day ago, I made a change. I'm getting healthier for me. It's been rough, and I've definitely had my moments to cheat... but I don't because I'm stronger than that now. I can't keep expecting to be healthier if I fuel my body with crap. So... over the next few months, you may notice a change in me. Maybe you'll just notice the physical, but hopefully, if you haven't already, you'll see a major change on the inside too.

Below is a comparison pic of me... The left was from June 12th, not long ago, and in really good lighting too! lol But the one on the right was from two days ago, Aug 15th. Not the best lighting or anything, but I can see a difference. Hopefully the difference will be even more soon, and my "fat jeans" can go from being every day jeans, back to fat jeans, and maybe, just maybe... someday a quilt... cause who needs fat jeans?! Not this girl!

Anyway... wish me luck! :-)

But anyway... I missed the temple... so I decided to receive my endowments on the 5th of October in the Oquirrh Mountain temple. My brother Andrew will be in town, and my sister said she'll drive down, and the only one who can't make it is my sister Jamie, in Raleigh, NC, who just had a baby in June, and moved a few weeks after that, so it's definitely understandable... It doesn't matter where I decide to go through, it's the family and friends that will be there that will make the biggest difference.

So... if you're reading this, and will be in the SLC area on October 5th, let me know so I can let you know what time to be at the Oquirrh Mountain temple.... Why Oquirrh? A) It's spelled really cool. B) It's beautiful (aren't they ALL though?) and C) I walked through it at the open house 3 years ago, and fell in love with the insides. I figure if I've seen it inside, I won't be so distracted by things I'm seeing, and I can focus on the love and feelings I'm feeling while I'm there for the first time. But just consider this an open invitation. I'd love you all to be there!

Alohas! :-D

Time flies when you're having fun, I guess!

Haha, March 19th was the last time I posted... This blog is beginning to look a lot like my old journals... My new journal is looking much better... I've been looking much better too. I feel like a huge weight has lifted.

Back in February, a "friend" deleted me as his friend, and only last week blocked me... It's been SUCH a breath of fresh air to NOT have his negativity permeating my life anymore. It's such a relief when you can let go of your past to embrace the future.

And I meant it when I said time flies when you're having fun. I am in LOVE with my life right now. I love California, I have a handful, armful, and wardful of people that I love and care about. Some closer than others, of course, but the only difference between the close ones is time. And like Josh Turner said (yes, I like his song) Time is Love. I saw him live in Nashville a month and a half ago... Crazy how I've been to Nashville and back already. I was looking forward to that trip for a LONG time. So glad it's over though, and my sinuses are back on track. Nashville and my body just do NOT agree. I'm kind of shocked that I was able to live there as long as I did. You'd think the constant sinus infections would have spurred some sort of departure from me long before the 3 years I spent there were up.

BUT I absolutely love California. San Diego is SOOOO my town. I love my friends, I love the house I'm in, I don't love the cost of living, but heck, I'm 3 miles from the beach, AND I've walked to church once (it was up hill and just over a half mile, but in a pinch, I could do it and touch-up makeup in the bathroom if I needed to!) I feel like everything in my life is falling into place, and I couldn't be more thrilled!

In fact, one of my best friends is getting married in December, and I'm going to try to join her in the SD Temple for it... Which means a LOT of preparation before then, but I've been for baptisms 3 times (after today... I get to go in less than 2 hours!) with a limited use recommend, so why not go through for myself and receive more blessings? God is waiting to pour them out... I always picture that literally for some reason, like he has this pitcher, and he's pouring them out from heaven... :) I like it.

AND I also realize that this post is very random, but it's just a slice of my thinking right now, so that, coupled with apologies that it's been over 3 months... well... oops!

I've been super busy since March, I guess. I finally switched my shifts 5 weeks ago to a 5:30am-2:30pm shift, and I LOVE it. I don't love waking up at 4:30, because I've always been a night owl... and something in me thinks that habit can continue? I've yet to tell myself that is not so. I need to start being in BED by 10pm, so I can just fall asleep. The average human falls asleep in 7 minutes... Me? More like an hour... almost every time. I should probably take some Melatonin at 9pm to help prep me to get the right amount of rest... which probably still isn't enough, but I find that afternoon naps are amazing, and I love them. BUT that kind of blows the rest of my day out of the water.

What I need is a schedule. Solid. Firm... AND I need the motivation to stick to it. I have been contemplating a gym membership for 10 months now, and it's getting to the point where I can no longer use my broken sesamoid as an excuse for not exercising anymore. Sometimes I come home and I take Miss Daisy for a walk... or rather, she takes me... That dog is so dang strong! AND She has to sniff EVERYTHING she sees. Kind of annoying, and it leaves me with a sore arm and shoulder (which doesn't bode well for the left shoulder that I injured in 2000 because of some black ice...) but when ever she sees me grab my tennis shoes, she starts freaking out. She whimpers, cries, and wags her tail SO FAST. Usually that's all the motivation I need to actually get out there and take her for a walk. There's some good walking streets around my house (I've been there 11 months now, crazy right?) and I've found ways to weave in and out of a few of them, so my walk went from a mile and a half to about 3 miles now, and I do that in about 50 minutes, and I do try to jog/run at certain parts, but my asthma doesn't totally let that just happen. I'm not medicating it anymore... so maybe it'll just go away if I keep pushing myself. The problem is that I don't love pushing myself. :) If Daisy brought me my shoes, it might motivate me more to go! haha

Anyway... Life is good, I'm doing good, I'm still keeping my personal life off of the blog, but for the record, I'm still single... and I've found a few of those "inspirational quotes" lately that says "Yes, I'm single, and you're going to have to be pretty amazing to change that!"

WHICH I totally agree with. I'm not settling anymore. I'm not sacrificing anything to be with someone who is going to drag me down.

Ever since the first of this year, when I resolved to be more positive, I've really seen a difference in not only MY life, but the lives of those around me. I don't have time, room, or energy to devote to anyone or anything negative, so it really just all works to my benefit!

Oh, and I've got an about.me profile, so you can pretty much stalk me wherever you want... My favorites right now are instagram and pinterest. :) BUT I also have a link to my mormon.org page. A friend of mine had his linked to his facebook, and I read it, and I was moved... moved to the point of creating my own. I've never really made it public or shared it anywhere yet... but I guess that's what the blog is for... bless your hearts for still even reading it!

But life is good, and it's only getting better from here! Love y'all! :)

Life lessons

I've learned a whole ton about life lately... Strange and sad that it has to come through death, but when it boils down to it, death and taxes are the only two sure things.

On February 8, 2012, my Uncle Dale passed away. He was absolutely one of my favorite people. If you were in his presence longer than an hour, you knew you were loved. By not only him, but  his family, and God. The light of Christ definitely shines through his eyes. My Aunt Bodell (his wife, and also my Dad's sister) was exactly the same way. No wonder these two were so well paired. They were evenly yolked throughout their entire marriage, and they've provided more than a good enough example of what an amazing marriage, life, and example of how two people could be.

One of the songs we sung at his funeral was "Have I Done Any Good". We sung that song in church today, and I got a little teary eyed...

Here are the lyrics:
1. Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone’s burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

[Chorus]
Then wake up and do something more
Than dream of your mansion above.
Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,
A blessing of duty and love.

2. There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, “Sometime I’ll try,”
But go and do something today.
’Tis noble of man to work and to give;
Love’s labor has merit alone.
Only he who does something helps others to live.
To God each good work will be known.

Text and music: Will L. Thompson, 1847–1909, alt.

He was the epitome of a hard worker, always doing everything he could to lighten the burden of others. He's done so much to help others to live. I can only hope to be half as giving and noble and genuinely kind! I LOVE my Uncle Dale, his stroke was a total surprise, especially because last July, he was giving me a ride on his four-wheeler (which lasted about 25 minutes)! We went down into the little "canyon" behind his house, his dogs chased the four-wheeler, and we saw an owl, and being that silent in nature is something I'll never forget. It was just the two of us and God's creation... (and the four-wheeler... but Uncle Dale would say that God created everything with an engine too... How he loved his automobiles!) I loved that he joined facebook a few years ago. It was so wonderful to get to know him, and share pictures and my life with him. I know he was loved and beloved by many, and I'm so glad he married into my family... long before I was ever a part of it.

He definitely lived by example, and it's not one I'll be forgetting anytime soon. The Sunday I was up there, I took the sacrament for the first time in a long long time... I've been through hell and back to get here, but now I know I can't and won't accept anything less than the very best. I don't mean perfection. That doesn't exist. But if I'm not doing my best, I can always do better.

Uncle Dale's legacy of "find the good" in any situation will stay with me for the rest of my life. I will do everything I can to find the good, and continue to make the most out of even the most awful of situations.


My Uncle Dale and I, summer 2009. Love & miss him.

My Grandmother also passed away on March 5, 2012. She was 97 and a half! She has definitely lived life! And well! She overcame so much, and was suffering with the pain from bone cancer when she passed away.  She had been without my cute Grandpa for 18 years, and I can only imagine that reunion in heaven. I'm grateful I got to see her on the way home from my Uncle Dale's funeral  on the 18th of Feb. She was such an elect lady. A choice soul. Words can't express how much love she had for all she met. There was never a time that I saw her without a smile on her face, or a giggle (totally where I get it from) not far behind the smile. My cousin Katie made a DVD of photos and there's an excerpt of my Grandma talking at the end, when asked what advice she'd give, she said to always be happy and cheerful! That was definitely the way Grandma lived her life.

She grew beautiful roses, and had such an amazing garden, which can only add to a person's happiness. I don't know how someone can be sad looking at flowers! They're probably one of my favorite things in the whole world. Flowers, sunsets, and orange things. I stand all amazed at God's beauty on this earth. I think Grandma did too. She loved to paint, and was really quite good at it!


One of Grandma's paintings. I remember this hanging in her home for YEARS. She was very talented.


When we visited her on the 18th of Feb, she told us that she painted the above photo very recently. Definitely a 2012 work of art. I'm glad I snapped a picture of it. It's currently my "cover photo" on Facebook, and it's Katie's (my cousin) profile pic as well.

The Grandkids all sung "Love at Home" at Grandma's funeral, and I started crying when I got to the verse about "Roses bloom beneath our feet, all the earth's a garden sweet... Making life a bliss complete, when there's Love at Home." My Grandma lived those lyrics every day of her life! She loved her garden, she loved her family, and she loved all the strangers, who were really just people she hadn't met yet.


Me and Grandma at Stephen and Crystal's wedding in 2005. She doesn't look like she's 91 here does she? Thanks for the incredible genes Grandma! (People have recently told me I look at at least 5-10 years younger than I am! I hope my good luck keeps up!) Love you Grandma!

They say good lives are gold... Well, the loss of these two lives will definitely be with me for a long time. Just like Aunt Bodell and Aunt Jean. Two very elect ladies who died 6 and 6 and a half years ago. I miss them all, but I do try to keep their examples in my thoughts. Now I have NO excuses as to how to live my life. I've had MORE than enough examples of amazingness all around me. Now I just have to live the way they would be if they were still here.

My Bishop knows how loved I am, and not just by these four... but by God, and the rest of my family. I've recently started viewing myself with those same eyes, and it's kind of refreshing to see and feel a little. The eternal perspective I've gained is incredible, and I hope to continue on this path. I know good things will happen if I do.