"I've experienced a loss"

So... This blog post may be full of TMI, and things that we, as a society, just don't talk about. But, it's no secret that all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. I've longed for it, dreamed of it, and have always wanted to just be a mother. Never really career-hungry or anything else, although I'm grateful for my career and the education I received to get to this point, I'm happy to provide for this little family we're trying to start.

I've been using a few pregnancy and cycle-tracking apps. I've been taking my basal body temperature every morning for maybe a year? Trying to become a mother. I started my first round of Clomid in January, and second one in February when the first one didn't work. I wasn't very hopeful, and even told myself that I wasn't going to try in March, as a December baby wasn't part of my "plan". Well, I didn't have to try in March, because on March 3rd, I had a positive home pregnancy test. I was over-the-moon elated, and told Danny about it around 5:45am... He later texted me and asked me if I had said something about being "prego" earlier that day. So I texted him the picture of the positive test again.

I didn't want to tell anyone, or everyone until we were past that scary 12 week point, but after we had our first ultrasound, and viability check at 7 weeks + 4 days, and saw a heartbeat of one strong baby, I was elated. We told his parents and my mom with a note for each of them, including a photo of the ultrasound, and got his dad a shirt that says "Grandpa: The Man, The Myth, The Legend" and pearls for both our mothers, asking them for their grandmotherly pearls of wisdom this fall. The baby would have been due on my birthday. November 3rd... Although, it may have been Nov 10th, as the baby was measuring 6 wks + 4 days at that first ultrasound.

Since it was 6+4, I was scheduled to come in 2 weeks later for my official 8wk ultrasound, April 5th. Where the baby should be measuring 8+4 by their measurements and 9+4 by mine... Well, they couldn't find a heartbeat. We went to a radiology lab right after that appointment, but all the ultrasound techs had left around 4pm, and my 8wk appointment was at 3:45, so it was about 4:30 when we got there, and we waited and waited for about 3 hours, I was admitted to Urgent Care, where the new Dr. would have had to put in the orders, as my Nurse Practitioner didn't put a direct contact # in with her orders, so they couldn't call her directly (kinda hate her for this... may seek out a new Dr. as a result)... So anyway, 3 hours of "yes, you'll get an ultrasound" to them not being able to answer my question of "If the Urgent Care Dr. has to put these orders in, how much is it going to cost?" (I did simple lab work with Urgent Care in November, and it cost about 5x's what it should have). So I asked if they had any appointments for the following day, and then I went in on Wednesday the 6th for a second opinion. The ultrasound tech did external and internal scans, and they had to let the radiologist read the scans, call my NP and THEN I finally got the call I was sadly expecting. They couldn't find a heartbeat either.

I had a follow-up appointment with my OB dr. on Friday the 8th, and we scheduled a D&C for April 13th, yesterday.

The more people I've told about this, the more experiences they've shared with me, that make me think "If ________ was able to go through this, then I can to." As humans, we're meant to go through hard things. Hard things make us stronger. They make us able to have the faith in ourselves to go through even more difficult things. One of the things I've learned throughout this life, is our ability to be stronger and more resilient than we think we are. Looking back, there are so many things that have made me strong. I'm sure you have those experiences too.

Third Eye Blind has actually been such a strength to me throughout this... You're scratching your head right now, as to why (or you already know why, because you get them, just like I do.) They had a new album "Dopamine" come out last June. I feel like it truly rivals their first album, THE album that converted me to a life-long fan forever. I can't say it's better, because without that first one, I wouldn't have had the 3eb life that I have. I would have missed out on so much. ANYWAY, they have a small track (2:25) on that album called "All These Things" and it brings me such strength. They played it in San Diego April 8th, and it wasn't even on the setlist. I think Stephan Jenkins somehow knew I needed it. He played it acoustic. I cried. But there's a line in it "Let that feeling, born in shadow, let it make you, make you strong, and the demons, you've got to carry, carry you on, and on, and on." And the first time I heard it. I cried. I've been through a horrible first marriage, a lot of faith-trying events since then, and I've made bad life decisions that have hurt so many people around me. But I've never received more strength from a non-church song, than in these short 2 minutes and 25 seconds.

I am in a few Third Eye Blind facebook groups (no shock there), and have met some of the best people I've ever known through it. We have a "women's group" that broke off from one of the main ones, and it's been comforting knowing I can share this with them, and have them share their experiences back with me. Quite a few of them flew in for the San Diego, and LA shows (Some did Santa Barbara and Santa Ana too) but I was fine with my two. Having them support me through my Dr. apt on Friday, and bead store shopping after, and sharing hotel rooms/beds was more than I could have asked for. We've forged life-long friendships, and I'm so grateful to these women. Which is another reason I'm sharing this on my blog. Hoping it can bring others strength, even though it's a private blog now. 🙂 

We did the VIP meet and greets, and I asked SJ for autographs of "Let it make you strong" and "All these things are yours" as a way to help heal and get through this. I know it's possible, anything and everything is. Other women and their spouses have been through this kind of loss, and with their strength, and with time, I'll surely get over it too. But I'm happy to have joined the ranks of "Mother" even if there's no earthly proof.

We told Danny's extended family on Easter, and I've received a few text messages which help me know we're being loved and prayed for, which I couldn't thank you all for enough.

We've been truly blessed through this experience, and I know we'll continue to gain strength through this as well.

In fact, the hardest thing, for me so far was opening my app "The Bump" and going into settings and clicking the option "I have experienced a loss". It just seemed so final. Which, earthly, it is... but I don't really see it that way. I've only gained eternally. And coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my father's passing, I hope those two are hanging out, and loving every minute of it.

Anyway, I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and love you've all shown. I'm also grateful for a method of sharing this experience. It really, truly has strengthened me, beyond measure. 

Love and Aloha,

~Maren